sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
