soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
