I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
