I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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