First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
