so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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