She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
