New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
