I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
