shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
