I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
