Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I think I won the penis lottery.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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