Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
