i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
