good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
