Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
