how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
