I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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