I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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