Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You have to summon your inner elephant
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
