Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
