He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
