I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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