i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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