just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
