I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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