if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
