I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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