I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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