we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
