What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
