I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
