I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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