Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
