I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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