Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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