In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
