Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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