i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
