I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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