matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
