He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
