God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
