We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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