My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
