I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
