I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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