don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
