"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
