So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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