fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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