The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
